Brain-Putin’s Plan to Take Over The World

Photo: Frederik Hermann

A typical scene somewhere in the secret KGB catacombs close to the Kremlin.

While Medwedew is chewing on a chilchil cheese, he asks Putin: “Gee, Brain-Putin, what do you want to do tonight?”

Brain-Putin puts his dumbbells down, looks at himself in the huge mirror and replies: “The same thing we do every night, Medwy — try to take over the world!”

Medwy almost chokes on the chilchil cheese and asks: “But how do you want to do that? Soon we will not be able to sell weapons to Syria any more. Gazprom might also run out of business in Libya. We will be broke. Ahhh.”

“Don’t worry”, says Brain-Putin and flexes his Russian steel muscles, “I have it all figured out.” He continues: “First of all we have to win the coming elections. I have the perfect idea for an ad. Get me Anna Chapman.”

“Why Anna,” Medwy wonders.

“Despite her being a lousy spy, she has some “pretty”-good qualities. Anyhow, so the ad goes like this: Shot of Anna coming into a building to cast her vote. Zoom on her talents. Than me, how I enter the scene. Da-da. Close up on me and my muscles. Hold the close-up. Hold it! After that Anna goes into the polling booth and, obviously, she cannot resist me and my little AK-47 and pulls me into the booth. And then, as my best Italian friend would put it: Bunga-Bunga. I need the matching techno beat for that. Finally the ad slogan: Let’s do it together. Brilliant isn’t it? You can make Anna a MP for that.”

Medwy swallows another piece of cheese and replies: “But is voting not a secret in Russia?”

Brain-Putin looks at Medwy with a suppressed smile until both burst into vociferous laughter.

Then Brain-Putin continues: “After that I will distract the world with the moaning of an army of beautiful female tennis players like Maria Sharapove which will takeover WTF. Roman Abramovish will help me as soon as he has bought every sports club on this planet. While the world is lost in the to and fro of the moaning balls, I will restructure our army. First of all, I will buy thousands and thousands of badminton rackets…”

“In order to get our boys back into shape?”

“No, Medwy. Obviously, we will sneak the rackets into the arenas where our talented moaning army plays. There we will use them and beat the s**t out of, hmm, well, out of everybody.”

Medwy chokes again, as both fall once more into a hysterical laughter.

“Finally, I will replace our old tanks with inflatable weapons.”

“Uhhh, inflatable weapons, I have one of them in my cupboard. But this is to get our boys back into shape, right?”

Brain-Putin looks annoyed and retorts: “No, idiot. They are inflatable tanks and weapons, which will make the enemy think that we have a huge army. We do not have money for real weapons any longer.”

A moment later Brain-Putin picks up a trophy and flexes his guns, while he shows off the award.

“That is why China gave me the peacemaker of the year award. For my superb wars in Chechnya, the mastering of the South Ossetia conflict and my expertise when it comes to hostage releases.”

“Confucius would be proud of you”, says Medwy and both fall into a frenetic laughter which echoes through the bars of their cage, until the echoes reach the Coca Cola advertisement on the other side of the laboratory.

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4 thoughts on “Brain-Putin’s Plan to Take Over The World

  1. During my stay in a small village near the Ural I could admire a huge Putin-placard on a municipal building in the middle of the village.
    That’s depressing

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