How to Become a Dictator (a guide)

How do you become a dictator? Certainly not by screaming your demagogic speeches with an abrasive voice à la Hitler into a dictating machine. Neither by bossing your spouse around the kitchen and claiming to be the Caesar of domestic affairs. No, I mean a proper, full-on autocratic despot, who uses slaves as carpets.

First of all you need an appropriate name. Something with a taste of history and a nuance of megalomania, so that these plebeians can anticipate in fear who they are dealing with. Napoleon? No, already used innumerable times. Adolf? No, I said nuance of megalomania. Alexander? Yes, much better.

Now that we sorted out the name, we need to work on the appearance. As far as the garments are concerned, I would suggest business suits and occasional military uniforms, in order to convey power and seriousness. Ok, once in a while also a riffle. But not too often, we already have one Putin. Further, I would recommend a slightly insane look in the eyes – just to match the name and the lunatic-image.  A moustache is not bad either, many dictators had one: Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet, Somoza, … As the last visual device I would implement the good old bold head. On the one hand, it symbolizes wisdom, on the other hand, it works with the ladies – because, as you of course already know, bold man allegedly have more, let’s say, stamina when it comes to (connubial) midnight encounters.

Apropos ladies; as a dictator you do not have to be ashamed of being a male-chauvinist. What about calling lesbian sex something natural and male homosexuality something disgusting? Good idea, tell Westerwelle this German politician faggot to get a “normal” life.

Now lets speak politics: seize power, keep power and make power. Obviously, suppress the opposition, incarcerate them and proclaim there parties to be illegal. Prohibit protests. Yes, even the silent and peaceful ones. You know what: never abolish capital punishment – it scares people to death. Just a little bit more intimidation here and a little bit more alteration of the constitution over there and voilà: we are almost in Neo-Babylon. If people still do not vote for you, raise their income, although that means your country will be bankrupt and you have to borrow from other countries.

That is what you have friends for. Even when the rest of the world threatens you with embargoes, there will still be some loyal comrades out there. For example China, Iran and Venezuela – they do not have too many friends either. I have a brilliant idea: be very, very, very best friend with Russia and call your blood brotherhood Eurasian League. If you are extra nice to them they might give you some extra weapons to secure your throne. In addition you need a celebrity as a fan. Maybe you should get a song, Obama and Hillary have one as well. Anders Behring Breivik, the Norwegian killer should be popular enough: he killed 69 people, among them mostly teenagers. You gave him training for his mission and he in exchange praised you.

But praises from one famous person alone is not enough, you also need the media to support you and if feasible, compare you to god once in a while. You could encourage the monopolisation of the media and become best bodies with the big capitalist (see: Tatcher and Murdoch), or simply just own the media yourself (see: Berlusconi). In my opinion the second works better. L’état c’est toi, the state is you, so why not ban private television all together?

Before we come to the last point, let us work on the psycho-image a bit. What about enacting crazy laws? For example, you could forbid foreign models from your advertisements and create a bit of nationalism en passant. Perhaps you could get dismissed from the army because of serious hallucinations.

Lastly, I would choose a country with a beautiful name in order to mislead the world about the ugly truth. Beautiful, Bella, Belarus. Yes, something that appears innocent and clean: Weißrussland.

Thank you Alexander Lukaschenko for being such a good guide.

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One thought on “How to Become a Dictator (a guide)

  1. Pingback: Will the Real Dictator Please Stand Up? « The Polarity Resistance

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